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Saturday, September 24, 2011

TORN

I badly need to let this out. This issue is very personal but I need to release this heavy feeling in my heart. I am so torn right now.

Few days back, hubby and I reviewed our monthly expenses and noticed that we cannot keep our agreed monthy savings anymore. We have very high expenses now since Naynay and Mimay moved with us. Wala naman problema about it dahil kapalit nun, kasama namin anak namin. But looking at it in a deeper & mature perspective, it’s very impractical. Bakit ba kami nag abroad in the first place? Di ba to save for our dream house and for Mimay’s future? But with what’s happening now, honestly, we will not target that goal. Siguro after 10 years in Dubai, pwede. Sabi nga ng mommy ko, “kung gusto mo pala eh sama sama tayong lahat, umuwi na lang tayo sa Pinas.” May point no? I have shared these thoughts to my siblings and kumares also. They said that parang non-sense nga all our sacrifices if we are not targeting our main goal. All these really struck me.

I am so torn right now. I don’t know if it’s right to just let my mom and my daughter return back to Philippines so that husband and I can save in one blast. In this way kasi, we need not to stay in Dubai for more years. Maybe in a year or two, we can go home na din for good. Atleast by that time, Mimay’s already going to school and andun kami with her.

But the other side of me is feeling very sad knowing that malalayo na naman sa amin si Mimay. Just merely thinking that she’ll be leaving in November already makes me cry. Ang sakit sakit. Ang bigat bigat. I never want to be away from her again.
Naiisip ko nga, bakit yung ibang parents ang galing galing in handling their emotions. I have mommy friends na 2 baby pa nga ang naiwan sa Pinas but they’re okay. I asked them how are they handling the emotional pain and all? They said, it’s their LOVE for their children that makes them strong =(

I think I have to learn that. That’s the real sacrifice eh. We came here in Dubai to save for the future of our family. I have to set that in my mind and heart. And I know naman, my daughter is really in good hands. Poy and I are both blessed to have a very loving and supportive family. Mimay is well loved, sobra sobra pa nga. I know that. And skype is there, we can see each other everyday. And atleast in Pinas, my daughter will have a normal life.

Alam ko, ako lang naman talaga ang may problema. I’m so torn and confused.

Dear Lord, please give us wisdom to make the right decision. Let your will be done. In Jesus name, amen.

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